Elves eat quite a bit, and excrete vast amounts of feces that seep deep into the St. George Water Table
Let’s get started talking about how we’re going to turn Southern Utah around by talking about the growing problem with elvish feces seeping through the water table and into the local water supply. St. George currently purchases 85% of its water from from neighboring sources including the local indigenous peoples that traded their precious water supply for a pile of contageously hideous blankets from the 90s pancho-hippie era. This water is of course elf poo free, and so the only areas of St. George being effected are those close to the border, by the museum of latter-day apothecaries.
Elf feces is of course a new problem facing St. George and other parts of Southern Utah and has sprung up from a burn. An installation art project in the middle of the desert showcased two elves locked in little asian cricket holders. These aren’t the kind of elves you see in Lord of the Rings with all their hokey looking green costumes and giant ears, these are the ones that tear airplanes apart in twilight zone episodes. Some people mistakenly call them gremlins, but everyone knows that gremlins are those green things that multiply when you throw water on them and become increasingly more and more retarded each time they multiply for some reason (which doesn’t explain their evolutionary process).
These elves in the middle of the desert got loose and basically tore apart every hippie in the entire place, giving them food to last a long time, and fashioning shelters from their rib cages and clothes. Elves are known for their shrewdness in using every scrap of their kill. They are also known unfortunately for breeding like rabbits and making food into poo.
What you can do
If you run accross one of these pests, go out of your way to smear it all over the ground with your truck. All of us that rely on St. George’s own water will thank you for it.
This Public Service Announcement brought to you by the Palm Pre.